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piggydc
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Name: Derek
Gender: Male
Interests: hanging out with friends, movies, blogging, being a "shrink", US military, exercise, community service, swing dancing
Expertise: Being your friend!
Occupation: Quality
Industry: Medical Manufacturing
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
AIM:  KARHOE
Member Since:
1/2/2003
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| domestic violence
"There are some women who need to be needed so badly they'll put up with anything. Even if the guy beats the crap out of them, they just feel that responsible for the other person."
Recently, Rihanna has opened up about the beating that ex-Chris Brown gave her. And late last month, Brown publicly apologized (sorta): "At the end of the day, I'm sorry for what I did, whatever it is." (?????)
And I think a lot of people were shocked when Rihanna even went back to Brown earlier this year, myself included. But according to therapists who're familiar with domestic violence, it's pretty common. (ie. "Why some women go back to their abusers") Reasons that victims (looks like it's primarily women) go back include:
- lack of finances
- poor self-esteem (shame, anxiety, guilt -- "It's MY fault that he beat me up")
- having children as dependents
- religion/cultural values (don't want to face family or friends)
- emotional attachment to the abuser
- the abuser would apologize profusely, showering the victim with gifts (hence, initiating another "honeymoon period")
- abuser could also manipulate the victim ("I'll kill myself if you leave me")
When I read this article about men explaining why they beat the women they love, I was shocked. Their responses seemed incredulous:
"I felt like I had power and control over something in my life. It made me feel invincible."
"I would try and express my anger and my disappointment the only way I knew how. And that was through abuse."
"...I was insecure as a person"
"... in that rage, it's like your brain wires, they aren't clicking."
"[I want] to say, by grace and remorse, that I'm still here today. I made it through." (??? Sounds like the guy sees himself as the victim instead of the girl he beat up.)
They say that you shouldn't judge someone unless you've been in their shoes. In most cases, I agree. But when it comes to willingly/intentionally harming someone else just b/c you can or you get too emotional, then it becomes more grey for me, and perhaps less forgivable. So I rather not put myself in those "shoes" in the first place, even if it's just to understand it all. (Yes, I do have my own insecurities, but I don't leash out at others to deal with them.)
And I don't think I will ever fully understand it: why do the victims stay with the abusers? (I'm sure we all heard about that "girls like bad guys" notion, but even at the extreme?) And why do guys beat their girls? Even emotionally/verbally? Fucking psychos...
At least there's one happy ending out there...
PS: If I ever get another gal and end up becoming an abusive guy to her -- even in the slightest -- I give you, the reader, permission (well in advance) to give me a good kick in the @$$.
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| kanye/taylor
This is old news already, but I thought the public reaction to Kanye West was a lil' over the top. Sure, how he acted in Taylor Swift's presence when she got her award was wrong. It was stupid, and he shouldn't have done it. But I think it just blurted out of his mouth, and he wasn't thinking while it happened. (For the record, I think both Beyonce -- whom Kanye favored -- and Taylor are great artists.) Besides, it was reported that Kanye personally called Taylor and apologized, which she accepted. So that's that. But then again, some people still wouldn't let the whole thing rest, even though Taylor herself wanted it to.
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| men who stare at goats
Looks like an interesting film.....
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| take your pick
If you had to choose only one, would you rather shine in popularity or have others' respect?
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| why kill yourself?
"More than one soul dies in a suicide."'
William Dickens.
Jean-Paul Blanchard.
Sonya Raymakers.
Catrina Holmes.
The list is like a student roll call, of sorts. But in the tragic sense. They were all students. I've never met them. Nevertheless, their voluntarily taking their own lives by jumping in the middle of a local train track hits home, in too many ways:
1) It all happened right here in my hometown, Palo Alto;
2) They were all students at Gunn High school;
3) My cousin also shared their fate two years ago (just in a different way).
To elaborate on the 2nd point, I'm not a graduate of Gunn. But I know many people who are, more than I can count. Most of my HS friends are Titan alumnis. I hailed from their high school rival. Our two schools were always at each other, but from what I remember (perhaps mistakenly), they evened each other out: Paly was better at athletics, but Gunn constantly ranked higher academically. And that just makes me wonder -- does that have something to do with the latter's suicides? Do kids at Gunn study so much harder, that it increases the pressure they're getting from all sides to succeed in school no matter what the cost, until they cave in? I really have no idea, it's just a thought....
That doesn't mean Paly hasn't had its share of suicides though. Paly is actually closer to the train track (it's literally right next to it). And my friend's brother also committed suicide in the same manner back in high school. But a farther distance to the track didn't stop these Gunn kids from jumping in front of those trains. I mean, cripes, even folks across the country are hearing about this.
When something like this happens so close to home, it automatically makes you think about what in common did you have with these kids, other than being in the same school district. I remember struggling back in high school myself -- there were times when I thought it'd never end. But suicide never crossed my mind -- I guess you just adapt, and take it day by day. But then again, these kids were probably higher performers and had higher expectations, from themselves and others. Who knows.
Last week, after the latest suicide, I was driving around Palo Alto at night. I crossed one of the train track's intersection (E. Meadow & Alma), and saw a cop car sitting next to the track. But there was also a # of adults lounging/standing around. Considering that the latest suicide happened at night, it was clear that they were all there to prevent anymore kids from killing themselves.
My curiosity piqued, I drove to the next track intersection (Charleston); no parents were there, but sure enough, another cop car was waiting in the darkness.
While it's comforting to know that extra steps like these are being taken, I'm afraid that they're mere band-aids to the underlying problem. Long-term preventions to teen suicides are key here, but it's easier said than done. Many would say that communication is crucial -- amongst the students, their peers, parents, teachers, & counselors. I agree, but unfortunately, going to others for help is still stigmatized in our society. If someone next to you is excelling in nearly every conceivable way, is predicted to have a bright future (in this case, going to a good college), and doesn't need any help, then why should I get help? It might make someone feel less than they are.
One piece of good news though: someone started a Facebook Gunn Alumni Support Group, which I think is a big step in the right direction. Who better to help out these kids than the ones who've been there themselves? They're looking to take care of their own. The Titan alumnis (esp the recently graduated -- less of a generation gap and all) can tell the current Titans, "Hey, we know what you're going through. But it's not the end of the world, and we're here to listen if you need us. We want to listen." That sorta thing. I'm no Gunn grad, but I'm proud of these people, my friends included.
“The most authentic thing about us is our capacity to create, to overcome, to endure, to transform, to love and to be greater than our suffering.” -- Ben Okri
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